This will be tough for a while but healing will come

I lost my mom to cancer a few weeks ago and I am still questioning why this happened so rapidly. I expected it, but her loss left me feeling empty inside. My mom was my best friend. We talked often and I always looked forward to hearing her stories about her day and vice versa. Even when we argued with each other, which is normal between a parent and child, we always reconciled.

I lived with her my whole life until I moved away to start my first full-time job. She prayed for me to get this job and was naturally a prayer warrior. Besides her family, she loved God first and foremost. She was very spiritual and could pray for hours if possible. On many occasions, she tried to get me to join her prayer groups but I would always decline and say “Mom that’s for older people, not people my age.” The truth was those prayers worked because of her faith and strong spirit. Did she have moments when her faith faltered? Yes, I’m sure of it, but her faith was stronger than mine.

My faith easily declines whenever I face an obstacle that seems impossible to overcome and faith largely depends on patience (another trait I don’t have). My mom uplifted my spirits through prayers and sharing her wisdom during our conversations about life. She constantly reminded me to pray every morning and night, much to my annoyance, but when I was alone I did exactly that. I will miss my prayer routines with her. It was one of the many ways we bonded together along with eating and cooking food, laughing at each other’s jokes, sharing our stories, and watching TV.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. My mom was sick for a few months so I was never really in denial, but I still hoped for a miracle even though I knew the end. Currently, I am experiencing the anger and depression stages, and the acceptance stage as well. I keep reflecting on how she died so suddenly and every question begins with why. “Why cancer?” “Why did she have to die?” “Why did God not heal her?” Even though I spoke with her the day before she died and during her illness, I often felt like I didn’t have enough time to say goodbye. A piece of myself is gone and will never come back. I cried and still cry when I remembered certain moments we shared and who she was. Before she died, I began saving her voicemails and all the videos she sent me so I forever remember her voice.

I love my mom so much and I miss her a lot. This is the first death I’ve experienced and unfortunately, it happened to someone very close to me. No one can ever replace my mom. I know she’s resting now and no longer in pain, but I miss her.

I miss her.