My loneliness is killing me. I must confess I still believe.

A couple wearing winter coats and boots embrace each other while looking at a skating ring decorated with Christmas lights in Toronto.
Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

Okay. Not really, but you must admit that the Baby One More Time reference was clever right?

I associate the holidays with food, family gatherings, and overall sentimental coziness, and I also associate them with loneliness. Seasonal depression is real ya’ll and it’s not fun. It’s not the weather that makes me feel gloomy but the romantic relationships that are always on high this time of year. Sometimes I’ll feel warm and fuzzy and just wanna snuggle up on the couch and watch TV (wait I already do that now) and mind my business. Then other times I long for human connection, preferably the romantic kind, and will just sit in my feels gazing longingly out the window and ask when it will finally be my turn. As a 25-year-old woman, I have reached the age where the human brain has officially matured and thoughts of settling down are entering the minds of similarly aged adults as me. Just a quick scroll of my social media feed and you’ll see proposals, marriages, and some pregnancy announcements from my peers.

I know I am not ready to get married or have kids yet, but I want a healthy, long-term relationship. I’ve been single for almost half a decade since my last relationship and my phone has never been drier. No matter how good I look, that has not prompted the action of a guy asking me out. I refuse to go on dating apps again and I’m not in a space where I am meeting people my own age. I am literally isolated from any kind of romantic potential with guys and I don’t know how to get out of it. At this point, I’m relying on recommendations from my friends and family or divine intervention from the Lord himself.

So what have I been doing in my single season? Working at my job, personal development, reflecting on my previous relationships and the lessons I’ve learned, hanging out with friends, chilling at home, and just trying to live day to day. I recently watched a couple of videos from Fumi Desalu-Vold on YouTube where she gives relationship and dating advice to women and they spoke to me. I know what I want in a relationship. I know the kind of person I want, but I have to work on myself. I have to love myself, accept, trust and believe in myself before letting another person into my life. That is harder than it looks.

This holiday season I will try and relax and enjoy my family and friends around me. I will watch all of the movies and TV shows I desire and eat all the delicious food Central Jersey has to offer. Gratitude and good health are important.

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